When a person has internalized shame, it is difficult to recognize when another person is attempting to shame them. Or if it was unintentional. For example, imagine a person walks into a room and they have shoes that haven't been shined. And somebody turns to them, and says, Well, it looks like it's time for shine by the tone of voice, and it's apparent this time that the person was attempting to shame the other person. But if the person is healthy, it's going to bounce off and not really affect them. They're going to be able to detach and turn to that person and confront them calmly, as if they're the one with the problem.

It doesn't really impact them. They might say, you know, it sounds like you really are trying to put me down. A person can at times tell by the other person's tone of voice, their facial expressions and their reply whether they were attempting to shame or not. Based on the reply, a more direct confrontation can be done if needed. Another example is when the motivation of the other person is harder to figure out. Another person says, it looks like it might be time for a shine, and the tone is neutral.

But what the shame bound person might well hear is almost the same tone. That was said the first time as if the person was trying to hurt them. When shame is hit, it's as if the entire chest is opened up. And the shame bound person assumes other people can see horrible, nasty things that define them as a person. People so affected either crumble or put up a wall and then they start throwing back insults of their own Either way the shame has taken hold. The only way to completely release shame is for people to admit that they feel shameful, express how they feel.

But realize from their adult position, that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with them. That it's a matter of early learning and whatever button somebody hit. Therefore, in the second example, it would be helpful to essentially say the same thing as in the first I heard what you said, and I wasn't sure if you were trying to shame me or not worried. The person should give the other person a chance to say how they feel. If their response seems valid by their bearing and tone of voice, one can assume that they were not intentionally attempting to shame. Unfortunately, when people have poor boundaries They not only have a problem standing up for themselves, but they often have a problem hearing things correctly.

The tendency is to hear it through a veneer of negativity. The shame bound person will sometimes even add words incorrectly to what was said to them. A third example of feeling shame would be a person walking through a room knowing that his or her shoes need shining and assuming that everyone is looking at and judging them. Even though no one has said a word. It makes sense to ask a person if they are thinking poorly about you, as long as that person is not a professional abuser. If a person does not verbalize how they are feeling and thinking, they often assume the worst.

The person will walk away with new evidence that the other people are judging them and they might be wrong. If a person shares how they are viewing whatever dynamic is occurring, they can get a better sense of how accurate they are. But that reality testing, if a person does not say something to get the shame out, it's never going to dissipate. There are internal boundaries for any person that entails setting limits to knowing themselves, and being a good parent to the self. There are external boundaries that are more about setting limits with other people and making sure that abuse does not occur. There is a sexual and physical aspect to external boundaries that are expandable to let people in and out depending on what we want and feels appropriate at any given time.

In other words, boundaries are not rigid. One might want to get closer to some people and further apart from others. There is a physical even territorial aspect to healthy boundaries. The internal boundaries according to Pia melody, an expert in this field are more emotional, spiritual and intellectual. They have to do with thinking and feeling about a person's own reality, their definition of themselves and their point of view. Some cultures have much wider boundaries, and some are very, very restrictive.

Many boundaries vary between societies. There are some boundaries though that are universal, no matter what culture person comes from. Most cultures would agree that there are very few reasons to allow killing, that is a negative or a taboo in most cultures. But the amount of touching that goes on and with whom is very cultural men in some European countries, for example, kiss on the cheek as a greeting. Most Americans would tend to be imported by that. The present discussion is going to focus in detail on external boundaries.

Unfair or abusive fighting are usually boundary violations. The definition of a boundary violation is the violation of a person's physical or mental state, which is different for every person. Abuse means not useful. Therefore, in the broadest sense, anything that is not useful in human communication may be deemed abuse or abuse. In our culture, we define actions as abusive only if they're physically or sexually abuse of a nature. abuse is just simply not useful.

If one is trying to relate to people are trying to get a conflict resolved, then only useful communication techniques should be employed. If two people are having a disagreement about a particular topic, and one of them gets abusive, that topic should be put on hold, and the abuse needs to be dealt with first, in order to reestablish good boundaries before they can go back to that original argument. It is just like a basketball game. If somebody elbows a player in the face, the referee stops the game, a penalty point is assessed. The player then gets a free throw, and then the game resumes. The same applies here.

If a person does not stop and deal with the abuse, then the person is allowing and normalizing the other person's behavior. No matter what happens with the original argument. That person won't feel good about themselves, nor will they have a sense of their own reality.