There are three forms of communication. The first occurs when that coffee pot is building up. Its passive aggressive and it comes from the childhood position. It's characterized by being dishonest, pouting, blaming another person for feelings that that person experiences, such as saying you made me feel. It's not being direct, being sarcastic, and is very manipulative. This type of behavior is very passive aggressive, and when somebody is treating a person this way, that person feels slapped in the face or ambushed it's a real physical feeling.

But there's nothing the person can really grab on to. If the injured party asks the person are you angry? They'll say no. They said no, but their words said no, their tone and body posture said yes, but since it's confusing, the tendency will be to stop the confrontation. Usually this form of communication paralyzes any meaningful dialogue. When a person can't hold on to the emotion anymore, they tend to blow up.

The communication has become aggressive, which is acting like a critical parent. It's judging a person by one thing that the person does if somebody is late, and a person jumps on them and calls them a lazy, inconsiderate person, that's about personhood, not behavior. In reality, anyone can be late once in a while and generally be on time. It would make more sense to say I thought that was a very lazy thing to do, or an inconsiderate thing to do. This type of confrontation is about behavior and not personhood, and thus more accurate. If a person hits somebody labels, somebody calls names, or start sentences with the word you, it's a one up one down position, and therefore it's an attack.

And the tendency will be for the other person to get defensive. When someone has been aggressive, it's as if they've hit a person over the head with a stick or punch that person in the face. When a person feels attacked, they plug their ears because if it started out that way, it's only going to get worse, then the person will often lean back and think of the weakest point that the other person has, and bring up what happened 20 years ago, and try to hit the other person that way. This causes a fight and true communication is again toward passive aggressive communication. characterized by running from a conflict, aggressive communication results in getting into a fight outright. The only real way that a person has a chance of communicating well, is the assertive way.

The assertive way is the adult way. It's open, honest, direct and equal. The goal for the communicator is to try to inform the person, how she or he feels and things. It's taking care of the self with good boundaries, and without doing any harm or offending anyone else. That's the purpose of it. It is very adult.

And in our culture, teaching adult behavior has not been common, because in dysfunctional families, poor communication and authoritative pneus is the norm. The way to craft an assertive statement is by saying I think I need I want Or what's most important, I feel, I feel is the language of love the language of relationships. it imparts the deepest meaning of what's happening. So if a person says I think assertiveness will help you, that message gives information. I want you to pay close attention as I'm speaking also gives information. I need you to practice this at home gives further information.

But I feel that this will radically change your life gives not only information, but it imparts what a person is feeling and often gives a person a glimpse into the motivation of the communicator and establishes a sense of closeness. The reason a person should use I statements is because it is important to fully accept the idea of being the master of their own feelings. What people are often taught is that somebody else is in control of their feelings that other people make us feel in particular ways. And that is patently untrue. Everybody gets to choose and I want to explain that before I go further. An important element of effective communication is the issue of personal responsibility.

Pretend that a stranger comes up to you. The stranger walks up and gives you a message. They say you are the ugliest person that I've ever seen in my life. There is nothing good about you at all. Most people would be surprised and confused. They might or might not be angry about it.

And they might or might not take it to heart. Because we each have a filter around us which includes our beliefs, our values and our experiences. We will often perceive things differently. Imagine now that the person you love most in the world approaches and says exactly the same thing. You're the ugliest person I've ever seen in my life. There's not one good thing about you.

That might well change the feeling state that was felt with a stranger. There might be a deeper and more varied emotional response. When it comes from the beloved. A person can experience several feelings at the same time and usually does, they might be surprised, shocked, hurt and angry all at once. In this example, the same message was imparted twice, but with a different feeling and a different intensity each time. This is based on the person's own unique filter, and for a variety of idiosyncratic reasons.

If a person doesn't like himself or herself Other people will affect them more. If they respect the other person, they will be more influenced by what that person says. If a person cares for another greatly, they will have more of an emotional impact. The longer a person has known someone, the more they tend to be affected. This is not a bad thing. These are things that people give to one another, when they become intimate, which is a good thing, or people would be living totally in isolation, with no boundaries only walls.

Therefore the responsibility for feeling a certain way resides with the person who has heard the communication and not with the communicator. The person communicating might be trying to hurt the other and they are responsible for that communication fell and the lousy motive behind it. But if a person is affected It is their responsibility. This in no way excuses abusive behavior or communication. When people speak, they really do mean what they say. So if a person says you hurt me, they are accepting a victim stance and saying they can't control their own emotions.

That is a childhood position, not an adult position. The reasons for being assertive are to try to get their point across and resolve the situation. Try to get the other person to understand how they feel. And think about any situation while maintaining boundaries. And without being offensive to the other. This is an adult position.

Another purpose is to express feelings and relieve them. So homeostasis returns. Thirdly, when a person is assertive, they also tell tend to feel better about themselves and their self concept arises. In addition, there is often a greater chance for the person to get what they want and have a good outcome from the negotiation. But it's important to realize that being assertive doesn't mean that the other person will agree or comply with the communicators wishes. Oftentimes, one has to continue to confront the person and repeat how they feel.

I'm really angry about what you just did. And when that person retorts, so what you deserve that the person might need to let them know that they're hurt and even angrier than before. A person might get what they want, but that has to be looked at as extra. If a person gets locked into the idea that they should be able to control the outcome. The emotions will never get out of them, and they will be semi constipated, emotionally lifelong.