There are four parts to assertiveness. And what I've discussed so far is only content. How does one structure an assertive statement? By using I statements, I feel sad, the feeling about what you've done here. And I really wish that you would do this instead. An effective assertive statement would be I feel sad about the way that you just spoke to me.

And I wish you would be a bit more respectful. This was a non blaming statement. And therefore, we're more often get a better result. At least the person will have a better chance to have a good outcome with that kind of communication. Often what people will say is, I feel and then they add a thought An example would be, I feel that you acted like a jerk. What they've done is talked about their thinking state and about The other person that kind of communication is blaming, rather than saying how they felt about the other person's action.

The content and structure of an assertive statement is only 25% of effective communication. The next 25% is body posture, and assertive statement becomes impossible if a person is speaking, while in a slouch position and not upright. If a person is standing while the other person is sitting, it will seem aggressive rather than assertive. with young children, it's incredibly important to sit down on the floor when talking to them. It is imperative not to be in a threatening position while communicating. The point is to find a physical approachment if at all possible.

Keep an open, approachable stamp. If one person is much taller than the other, sitting down will help with a quality. Don't discuss issues in a small room or in a room where intimacy could be solid, such as the bedroom. The next 25% of effective communication is eye contact. A person should hold good eye contact without staring somebody down or letting their gaze wander. The last 25% is the most important and that concerns tone of voice.

The tone of voice should be appropriate for the situation and for the emotion being discussed. So if a person is angry, they want to sound firm and angry. But if a person is yelling and raging, then they become aggressive. If a person says I'm really angry about what you did, I don't know why you keep doing it in Tucson. soft voice, it turns into passiveness. The Voice should sound firm, but not too threatening.

It can be quite difficult to get all four of these communication aspects to occur at the same time. And the only way that a person can really effectively do that is by detaching. They must separate themselves a bit and not care so much about what the other person thinks or feels about them. The most common destroyer of effective communication is the activation of shame. If a person feels that they are not good enough, and wants to get the other person to see it their way, by controlling the situation, all the communication skills in the world go right out the window. Because what's really happening is that person is operating from the child's position and they're not able to communicate from an assertive position.

The dysfunctional family video has more information about that condition, and it is critical for good communication. Once somebody learns assertiveness, it is important to practice it continually. Most Americans are dissociated between how they feel what's occurring in their body and what they're thinking. There are a number of different ways people can practice. One is to play a feelings game. brainstorming feelings is an effective way to do this.

So if a person says sadness, even if they're not feeling that emotion at the moment, and someone else says hurt, and someone else says fear, then those people are building an emotional vocabulary in order to talk more effectively if somebody becomes stuck than another person tins describe an illusory situation to them. They can say you just won the lottery, and the other person can say excited for something similar. If this was practiced for about 10 minutes a night, it would help considerably. One can you use a thesaurus to discover more possible feeling states. People can then graduate from that exercise and begin to put feelings into statements such as I feel sad, I feel angry. I feel hurt.

Keep generating the feeling vocabulary to really become fast sale at communication because assertiveness is learned. It's not something that people pop out of the womb with. Another important element of effective communication is active listening. In order to learn active listening, it is important to review what an assertive statement is. I felt sad by the way that you just spoke to me, and I wish you would be more respectful. That's an assertive statement.

If a person is talking to someone, they want the other person to listen. If that other person is listening, they should paraphrase in terms of the question, the main part of what the other person just said. So if the second person says to you mean that you feel hurt by the way I spoke to you, then they've understood the importance of what was said. And the first person knows they've been listened to. That might seem redundant, but it is incredible how often people miss perceive what is said to them. If it's a non issue, it really may not matter.

But when there's an emotional difficulty occurring, this technique becomes very important if the person has tracked what was said, Then the other person should say yes or no, or clarify the situation more if they didn't understand. At this point, all that's being given is information. The other person should then validate the feeling behind what is being said, which doesn't necessarily mean they agree with what is being said. It can be validated by their saying, I really do see that you felt hurt. Or they could say, I can understand how you felt hurt. Or they could say, I have felt that way when I've been spoken to in a negative way.

So I know how you feel, all those ways. Say I understand, I heard you and I care without necessarily agreeing that the person did anything wrong. Then there should be some kind of acknowledgment from the first communicator that they know and appreciate the other person's listening. So the first person says, Thanks for caring or something similar, then and only then would it make sense for the second communicator to make an assertive statement about either what was said by the first person or to discuss any other feelings about another issue. Let's say that a person disagreed that they had spoken in a poor way to me at this point, they could say, you know, Jeff, as I said, I really understand how you feel, but in my heart, I really wasn't trying to hurt you. And I thought I said it in a non abusive manner.

Then I can say, You mean you really weren't trying to hurt me? The other person could say, Yes, I might then say, well, then you must be really confused that I saw it that way. They can reply, yeah, I was confused. What we're trying to do is resolve the situation not to prove who's right or wrong. And that is the hallmark of effective communication. In fact, what is often helpful is if a person wants their partner to be right, if the partner is right, then the person can simply apologize and move on.

Rather than trying to get the other person to see their point of view. The issue is resolved quicker, but one has to be sincere and honest about their feelings. One of the common mistakes that I see especially in marital therapy is that people feel like they are on the clock with communication and that they have to finish their discussion quickly. Because of that haste, unfortunately, they often try to put paraphrasing and validating together before they're ready or they get defensive in the particular situation. So they say I felt really sad by what you just said to me. I thought it was disrespectful.

And the person says I did not. Or Well, I just or they say, Yeah, but which invalidates the other person's position, usually resulting in a fight with people locked into power and control. Nothing good can come of that. It is also important when paraphrasing to try to look at the deepest dynamic of what's happening between two people, the process of what's occurring between two people. I don't want to have a discussion with my lady about vacuuming and dishwashing and errands. I want to have a discussion about whether we feel there is a quality in terms of the household tasks.

That's the central dynamic. If we finish that issue, we don't have to work on each of the chores piecemeal. It is imperative to find the central dynamic. It's important to stay detached enough and shame free so that a person can truly evaluate whether they did something that was not appropriate. Did I really do something that was unhelpful? Or is this more about the person I'm talking with?

Could it be their shame and their issue? If a person is detached, then it's possible to speak with them without triggering their defensiveness. These skills can be practiced in a very easy manner by making a game out of it. One can say would you pass me the pepper? Do you mean you want the pepper? Yeah, I would really like the pepper.

Well, I can see that you want the pepper. I'll be glad to give it to you. Thanks. Gradually when this is done over and over again in a playful way, people To become more skilled when it gets difficult. At first, this type of communication feels very odd and artificial. It's like learning a new language.

But eventually, if it is practiced, a person's unique style will emerge. And it will only be used when it's appropriate when there might be serious disagreement