Okay, welcome back, you're doing an absolutely amazing job. Now, here's some of the ways that we allow people to control us. And the first one, this is a big one is guilt. We've been taught to feel bad about ourselves from childhood, if we don't do things for others, this is how people controlled us. But it's also how we got our societal conscious, so we don't end up as psychopaths. So, it's an important skill.

But the secondary skill that you need is how to move past guilt, resentment, when others hurt us, we carry the hurt for free. My question to you is why? Why let them rent space in your head? Again, the answer is, let it go. Love. When does love become manipulation?

My wife is really good at this. She says, Oh, honey, my shoulder hurts. Can you give me a backrub and I say okay, but let me finish my project. And she says But honey, if you love me, that's the exact moment love becomes manipulation. ego, we our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. Sometimes our ego gets a hold of us.

We think people shouldn't be able to do this and shouldn't be able to do that to us. And the reality is, we talked about this in the last section, they can and they will. Now a great way of letting go is an old Zen expression that says people are always perfectly being themselves. They're probably not going to change. I'm a therapist, you got to pay me $300 an hour to sit down and have you change. Otherwise, it's not going to happen in that only with the most motivated clients, and that might take me 16 to 20 sessions to create a dramatic change in who you are.

So simply allow people to be them selves. Let it go. Here's another great technique. See angry people as hurt. Not bad. I remember when I first started doing drug and alcohol counseling, they said, here's what I want you to do.

Picture the patient with a huge bandage on their head. Why? That way, you'll see them as hurt and sick. They're not bad people getting good. They're sick people getting well. And when they curse you out and write your name on the bathroom wall, and they do all these nasty things to you when they resist your treatment when they cause you all kinds of problems.

Realize, that's why they're here. They're sick. You work in a hospital. What kind of people live in a hospital, sick people. That's right exclusively. And Matter of fact, when they stop doing these behaviors, they're too damn healthy and you have to discharge them.

So always see other people that are difficult as sick Not bad, as hurt, not bad. It'll help you have a lot more compassion with him and be a lot more gentle on yourself. Now also know that people are sometimes going through a difficult time. You don't know what's happening in the other person's life. They could have a divorce or some kind of really deeply emotional breakup. They could be going through a layoff or unemployment.

They could have had somebody very close to them die. Maybe their mother died, maybe their wife died. Maybe it happened under horrible circumstances. I had one attic, he backed over his child in the driveway. That was not a good day. That was a major trauma for him, his family, everybody around him.

Mental illness can be another issue. What percentage of people in the population do you think are mentally ill? It's actually 25% At any given time, and as a matter of fact, I think it's 51.6% of people lifetime will have a major mental health disorder. That means if you're healthy, mentally healthy, you don't have mental health disorder between now when you die, you're actually abnormal. You're in the minority. Now, it could be a sick child or parent that they're dealing with at home.

Alzheimer rates are huge. Kids get sick all the time, could be a new baby, maybe then they're not even sick. Babies are amazing. They sleep 16 hours a day. But they like to do it in about 20 minute to 40 minute increments and the rest of time they're up, they're crying, they're moving around and they need attention. They could have an injury that you don't know about.

They could have a horrible back pain, shoulder pain, they could be having migraines, there's all kinds of things that could be going on. They could have cancer, you don't know. There could be a million other things that are going on. So please try to have a little bit of compassion for why they act the way they act. There's always a reason people don't do anything for quote unquote, no reason. And I love this quote by Longfellow.

If you're taking notes, please write this one down and go ahead and capture a screenshot. If we could read the Secret History of our enemies, we would find in their lives, sorrow and suffering, enough to disarm all hostility. Remember, there's another quote like this, it says, Be kind to everybody you meet, they've just returned from a hard battle. What's that battle? It's called life. It's rough out there.

People don't have it easy. And a lot of people I don't know what your background is. But for most people, other people have had it even worse. So quick reality check. People are not going to change because you want them to, or because they should change that is never ever going to happen. Snap out of it.

Now control over our emotions. One of the great ways to control your emotions is to change your explanatory style, and our responses. I'm going to teach you what an explanatory style is. explanatory style means literally the way in which we explain things to ourselves. You're having a rough day. Notice how I described it to myself how I explained it to myself, it was a rough day.

If I say How was your day, and you say, well, just another day in the battlefield. You mean every day you go to work, and it's like going to war? That's a horrible way to describe it. Why don't you say I had a rough day or I had a tough day, or things weren't great, but they could be better. change the way you explain things to yourself. I told you all the different problems people could be having in their lives because that's a better way to explain who they are.

So you can treat them with more compassion. It's not they're a god awful person. They have cancer. So you Quickly that changes how you view the person. It's not they're grouchy all the time, if they've got a new baby. It's not that they're mean or cruel person, you just don't understand they're a year and a half into this nasty divorce.

And they're not happy with anybody including themselves. So change the way that you explain things to yourself. Now, this is very important, I want you to know that it is impossible to be disrespected. Why? Because respect is internal, not external. You either respect yourself or you don't.

If you only respect yourself on the days that other people respect you, you're gonna have some really bad days. As a matter of fact, see the picture of the guy yelling at the other guy here. Can you spot the jerk in the picture? Yeah, everybody else can. So when somebody disrespects you in public, everybody knows who is being a jerk. And everybody else also knows who was being common who was being cool about it.

They respect the guy who was being cool about it. They disrespect the jerk. Isn't that true? Also, remember, your respect is internal, not external. You can call me anything you want. You can say I'm a blue bird.

It doesn't turn me into a blue bird. Nothing you say will ever impact who and what I actually am. It's words. When somebody disrespected me, you know what I hear? bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. That's it.

Because their words have no meaning no impact. In reality, it's simply an invitation for me to get upset. And I don't accept every invitation I get. Now can you spot the jerk in this picture? No, because they're both going back and forth. Look at the previous picture.

When somebody's being a jerk to you, but you're being Cool, everybody can spot the jerk. They know what's going on. The minute you engage, and you start giving as good as you get, then nobody can figure out who's the jerk. So Matter of fact, if you were to look at this, and I said, Who's the jerk? You probably say what? Both of them.

So I think it's key to have compassion, because we also have bad days. You know, somebody else out there is probably taking this course and thinking about you. You know, my wife's probably out there right now taking this course and how do I deal with my difficult husband, okay? Because we're not always that lovable. We have bad days, you know, things happen to us. So, to be compassionate to other person means we get compassion back.

So I always like to give what I want to receive. Now, one of the strange reasons why you have so much anger and you have so much frustration is because you care. Now we think of caring is a very kind loving thing and it is. But sometimes the ability not to care is amazingly freeing. And I put this bumper sticker up here it says, I feel so much better since I gave up hope, actually had a girlfriend named hope. And she caused me a lot of problems.

And eventually we broke up and I got this bumper sticker and I slapped it on my car, but it's also true of life. When you give up hope when you stop caring, these are things that are binding you making you cling to situations and making them painful for you. How do you solve it, you simply let go stop caring give up hope. Now interesting psychological fact most of our quote unquote reasons for getting mad are actually excuses. We lack self control and we blame the other person for our weaknesses. Why is it that when somebody says this, you have to instantly get mad?

The challenge isn't that people say nasty things to you. The challenge is is that you don't know how to deal with it. When people say nasty things to you. Isn't that another way to look at it? I'm a martial artist, I was taught mental control from day one. So I know when people say things, that's just their point of view.

That's just them acting out their drama. I don't have to get involved. I never let anybody decide how I'm gonna feel. Why? Because I have control of myself. That's what the martial arts is.

First thing you do is you learn how to control yourself, and then you can control anybody else. So taking responsibility, I love this little caption here. Hope you do to learn to ask yourself, how are you attracting this behavior? What is it? That makes me kind of this poopy magnet? Where all this stuff comes and lands on me?

Why do these things tend to keep happening to me, I might be attracting it in some way. Maybe I'm being too nice. Maybe I'm doing little irritating or sarcastic behaviors and I don't know. And then people are coming back at me. Somehow I might be attracting this behavior, if I can figure out how I'm attracting it and then stop doing that. Wow, a lot of these challenging situations, these difficult people are going to start going away.

How am I causing this behavior? Maybe I interact with people in such a way that it causes them to want to come back at me. If I can figure out how I'm doing that and stop doing it. Problem solved. Third thing, I'm not attracting it, I'm not causing it. It is totally the other person.

Now I've got to work with a piece that I can control and the piece that I can control when the situation is just as I described Fried, it's how am I allowing this behavior because we allow the behavior continues, if you don't allow it, it typically stops. Those are the three ways that you can take personal responsibility for dealing with these challenges. And it's amazingly effective. This will deal with almost like 70 to 80% of the challenges before you even go through the rest of the techniques in the training. Now, here's some ways that you can use to make sure that people like you better so you never have these challenges in the first place. They always pick the most attractive targets to mess with.

They want to mess with somebody that looks like an easy target, and somebody that's not very good to them. Look down through this list. If I'm being friendly, positive, I'm giving sincere compliments. I'm praising this person. I'm seeking ways that I can help them. I give them good, kind, loving attention.

I share things with them. I listen to them well, and I express liking. For difficult people, this is literally a list of all the things that they've never gotten their life in is probably the primary reasons one through nine of exactly why they're so damn difficult if you are like this to them, and it's how you present to everybody, it's very unlikely that you'll become a target for difficult people. Why? Because they are starved for these things. Now, shameless plug to get mental control, you should take my training on our EBT.

That's rational emotive behavioral therapy. So it's literally the science of how to reprogram your brain, how to get rid of all the old negative self talk and install positive self talk how to get rid of all the old negative habits, install positive habits. It's literally a Manual for your brain. The one in zen, or Zen therapy is basically Zen is the Chinese version of science. They're trying to find what's the ultimate truth and reality. It's a ton of different philosophies that aren't my truth, not your truth.

They're the truth, their ways of being in the world, so that your will becomes so much better. It makes for a kinder, gentler you, you have a better understanding of how things work in the world, and therefore you're more effective in the world. Now, NLP stands for neuro which is brain linguistic, which is language, and P which is programming. So how your brain works, how it's affected by language and how you program yourself. So this is a great way to gain skills. A lot of salespeople use this is another science of how your brain works and helps you to understand yourself and others so much more.

I've also got one of coping skills. This will also help you deal with difficult people in persuasion strategies. This will help you get your way more often. And you might even be able to persuade some of these difficult people. I think these are literally the five main life skills everybody needs, regardless. Okay, that's it for this section, and I'll see you in the next training.