Roughly 50% of all first marriages end in divorce. That's a pretty high statistic. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher. That means your child has at least a 50% chance of going through a family divorce. As much as healthy marriages can benefit your child, a divorce can be traumatic. The good news is that according to research, most children adjust well within two years after the divorce.

However, you as parents can do a lot to make the path much easier for your child. Step one would be coming up with a plan and presenting it to your children together. Even if you're not getting along. This is the time to put your feelings on the back burner and present a calm and caring united front. This prevents misunderstandings and he said she said scenario at a later date. Also try to give them plenty of time to adjust to certain changes like moving or one parent moving out.

Children are very perceptive, and they've probably since the tension long before the divorce, so it may not be coming as much of a surprise to your child, especially if there's been a lot of angry discussion, or cold silences in the house. Another point to remember is that children, like many adults, don't like change, so be sure to give them plenty of time to adjust to the changes, providing a united front about your plans, and the changes that are coming will help your child feel more secure about your decisions. Finally, open communication is called for here. Naturally, your kids will have questions. Being as honest in your communication as possible, will help them adjust. Not knowing Knowing what to expect means expecting the worst.

It's common for both adults and children to anticipate the worst possible scenario. If they're left in the dark about what to expect. You may not feel comfortable sharing all of the information, but you can allay most of their fears by being proactive and letting them know what to expect. Although arguments and disagreements are a normal part of all relationships, there are arguments that damage relationships and arguments that solve problems and actually strengthen relationships. However, What you don't want is to constantly argue in front of your children. And that also applies to the years after the divorce as a counselor who's run many groups over the years for children During a divorce, I can tell you that kids feel overly responsible for their parents happiness.

Although your argument may have nothing to do with them, hearing you argue can cause excessive anxiety, guilt, and depression and your child. Even moderate amounts of conflict between parents, for example, can disrupt your child's sleep, resulting in irritability the next day. Feelings after all, are contagious. There's now evidence that having divorced parents can even lower self esteem. a research study in the Journal of divorce and remarriage found that college aged students from divorced homes had lower self esteem than those from non divorced homes. So what might be causing this?

Research shows that raised voices name calling threats and stony silence Filled with tension can damage your kids. According to john Gottman, PhD, therapist and co founder of the Gottman Institute, those behaviors in a marriage are highly predictive of divorce. Couples who continue those behaviors in a second marriage will likely damage the new relationship. When you continue to argue with your ex, it's the children who suffer the ill effects. That's the bad news. The good news though, is you can protect your child's self esteem by getting along with your ex.

And this doesn't mean that you won't have disagreements. It just means that your disagreements aren't angry or demeaning in any way. Also, keep in mind, there are many well trained, licensed Family Therapist from which to choose so if necessary, seek out counseling. Bottom line in the interest of helping your kids keep your arguments Private, as much as you can, your children will be happier, healthier, and definitely the winners. One of your child's greatest fears may be abandonment by one or both parents. This usually takes the form of worrying that the parent who's no longer living in the home will forget about them.

However, it can also occur at a later date. When either parents start to date. It can even occur at the time of the divorce. If there's already another person involved romantically with either or both parents. All in all, it can definitely be a confusing time for children as they try to sort out their fears. Age wise, it's probably more difficult for children younger than 16 because they can't yet drive themselves over to see you.

They're still dependent on you in that respect. Your job then is to make sure that your children now You're not divorcing them. Children have a difficult time really conceptualizing how their parents could be separating. And they can hold a secret and sometimes not so secret wish that their parents will get back together. And believe me, that wish Die Hard. I've listened to many a child elaborate on the fantasy that their parents will someday get back together.

And in rare instances, this may happen, but this is more the exception than the rule. So I believe that in most cases, that wish, never really dies. The only way to really convince your children that you're not going to abandon them is through the test of time. they'll discover through your constant presence that marriages may fall apart, but parents don't divorce their children. But don't wait for them to discover this on their own. Have the discussion I assure them Although the family unit may be changing form, that you're not going anywhere, as far as they're concerned, remind them that you will always be in their lives both physically and emotionally.

Your children are your biggest investment in giving them a little reassurance produces happy, well adjusted kids. It's normal to feel down on yourself, or stressed when you're in the process of separating from your spouse. However, remember that your children are constantly observing you. And in that way, learning important life lessons. Don't forget you are your child's most influential role model. Until children enter school you are probably the only role model they're consistently around.

They're soaking up your every behavior, opinion, belief and mood. Your habits very likely will become very habits. For example, children who live in homes where parents smoke are more likely to be smokers. Parents who overuse drugs or alcohol, are more likely to raise children who do the same. You don't have to formally lecture your child about your beliefs and habits to instill those same beliefs and habits in the child. You see children learn as much from observing your behavior, as from what you say, Do you bad mouthing the other parent in front of your children, this actually lowers their self esteem.

If a child constantly hears bad things about one parent from the other parent, the danger is that the parent child relationship of the criticized parent may be affected. This can also work in the opposite direction, since a child can resent a parent who criticizes the other parent. Do you see how powerful you are? Didn't major in education, you may as well have because you Are your child's most powerful teacher. Your child's view of marriage and family comes from the feelings you model through your words and actions. teaching your child that marriage is a union between two people who love each other, respect each other, treat each other with kindness and consideration and consider both their own needs and the needs of those of their partner will give their child a positive view of marriage.

And in the long run, Isn't this what you want for your child? If you want your kids to be resilient, then you have to model resiliency. In other words, you have to take care of yourself. That means monitoring your own physical, mental and spiritual health. And this is true whether you're going through a divorce now Now, or five years ago, whether or not you'd like to admit it, you're in the driver's seat, and your children need you now more than ever to be in the driver's seat. One way to stay in the driver's seat is to be proactive.

So if you're going through a divorce now, surround yourself with supportive people, whether these are friends, family, or legal representation. Having this kind of support helps you think clearly and avoid making snap decisions based on emotions. This can be an emotionally challenging time. And the decisions you make now can be life changing. divorces go through the same stages of grief as those dealing with the death of a loved one. These stages are denial, anger, sadness, and finally, acceptance.

You'll be less likely to slip into depression. If you treat yourself well during This difficult period. This means taking care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. Your body, mind and spirit could use a boost. And no one can do this, but you. First, you can take care of your body by exercising.

According to a research study at the National Institute of Mental Health. Evidence shows that exercise causes emotional benefits in both humans and animals. They found that there's actually a neurological link to resilience. In this study mice who were placed in overcrowded housing conditions but had plenty of opportunities for exercise. were relatively unfazed by bullying, and had more emotional resiliency than those without opportunities to exercise. So, simply taking a daily walk around the block can protect you from depression and increase your resiliency.

Another tool to put in your toolbox is meditation. You don't have to travel to India to benefit from this ancient art. Simply find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed. Get into a comfortable position. Close your eyes and focus on your breath. Then when other thoughts come into your mind as they will simply brush them away and go back to the breath.

Whether you have time to do this for one minute, or 20 minutes doesn't matter, you're training your mind to push away negative thoughts is a skill and like any other skill, the more you practice, the better. Research shows that meditating gives people more control over their alpha brain rhythms, allowing meditators to switch their attention away from negative thoughts and feelings. alpha waves are created when you're in a relaxed state. Even through aerobic exercise. A second way that you can take care of yourself is by challenging your negative thoughts. The brain actually has a negative bias genetically programmed into us as a protective mechanism.

However, this can run amuck and people with the tendency towards anxiety or those going through a stressful situation like divorce. So start by recognizing when you're having a negative thought, and how would you know? Well, your thoughts pretty much create your feelings. So when you're feeling sad, angry, depressed, or otherwise down, trace it back to your last thought. I can almost guarantee these thoughts were probably negative and triggered the negative mood, then deliberately switch to a more hopeful thought. Since meditation trains your brain to fend off rainiest thoughts.

The practice actually speeds up your ability to fend off negative thoughts and return to a more peaceful place. Do you like to read, find uplifting books, watch uplifting movies, surround yourself with positive people and drop the Debbie downers. If you suspect that you may be suffering from a clinical depression, find a qualified therapist, because these techniques do work. And finally, this is a time to explore or tap into your spirituality. during times of crisis, it's easy to lose your faith and become filled with doubt. Whether you were involved in a traditional or alternative religious practice.

This is a time to use your spirituality, whatever that may be to bolster your sense of faith and meaning. Remember, your ability to care for yourself only enhances your ability and To care for the welfare of your child. It's definitely a win win. going through a divorce can be emotionally devastating. Unless the divorce was amicable. This can be a tough time of life.

One of the most difficult things to deal with is change. And let's face it, divorce is all about change. your self esteem may be affected. You may have multiple reasons to feel angry, rejected, eventful, or maybe even relieved. Divorce can trigger many different emotions. So this is definitely a time when you need a place to vent.

You need a place to release and process your feelings. However, there's one place to stay positive in that in front of your child. When you bad mouthing the other parent You're actually hurting the self esteem of your child. Remember, your children share the DNA of the other parent to they may exhibit traits of the other parent. People may have commented Johnny's just like his dad, or Susie reminds me so much of you. When Johnny and Susie hear negative comments about the other parent, This in turn chips away at their self esteem.

Kids are loyal to both parents and your child may feel compelled to share your comments with the other parent, which is then likely to spur negative comments about you. It's like a tennis match with each partner lobbing Barb's across the net. Some parents may even quiz their children about the activities of their ex. In this way. Make the children feel like spies. feeling pressured to spy on one parent causes both guilt and resentment In the child, remember, your children love both of you, and in many cases would like nothing better than to see you happily reunited.

There are other subtle ways to show disapproval of your ex. Sarcasm, which is actually thinly disguised hostility is one of them. rolling your eyes is another. Children watch your behavior closely and pay attention to every word, gesture and tone of voice. Remember, you're a powerful communicator. Ever hear the saying little pitchers have big ears?

While it's very true. Finally, children have fears about the changing living arrangements. And one of the worst questions you can ask them is, who do you want to live with? Your children are probably extremely sensitive to your feelings and understand quite well that neither of you is Happy at the moment. The last thing they want to do is cause more pain. They don't want to choose one parent over the other.

They want to be around both of you. This is a loss for them too and asking them to choose creates mega guilt. Whether you make this decision through a mediator, a lawyer, or between yourselves, make sure that it's you and not the child making the decision. A child is not emotionally or developmentally capable of making such an adult decision. So give your child a break, you make the decision. Let's talk about dating and remarriage.

Maybe you've been single for a while and you're ready to reenter the dating world. While this can be both exciting and scary for you, it can be terrifying for your children. Just when they're beginning to adjust to going back and forth between two homes, another person is threatening to enter the picture. This can feel overwhelming and it can raise abandonment issues for your child, if not handled with finesse, and forethought. being sensitive to your kids feelings as you start to date can make a big difference in how your children negotiate this change. Having quality time with you is critically important now, children often feel neglected and resentful of your new companion.

If they feel they're getting cheated out of quality time with you. discussing these fears can be reassuring and help your child feel less threatened by your new relationship. However, there's another reason to keep your relationship on the back burner as far as your children are concerned. When you bring a new person into the picture, your children are likely to bond with this person. And if you break up, that's another loss for your children to recover from. Some parents won't even introduce their children to the person they're dating until there's a solid commitment.

And of course, it's advisable not to introduce your children to everyone you date. Older children may feel disloyal to your ex when potential mates appear on the horizon. Children like predictability, and the more people added to the mix, the more unpredictable life can seem. So whatever your decision, make sure you're deliberate and thoughtful about how you manage your dating life. When you do find yourself in a serious relationship, then this is the time to tell your ex. Your ex like you is is particular about who plays a significant role in the lives of your children.

While your ex may be curious about your current current partner It's the safety and happiness of the children. That takes center stage. Your ex knows that this person is becoming a stand in for the role he or she's to play. This new partner will also have a relationship with your ex. So bottom line, when either you or your ex find a serious partner, that news needs to be shared. If you do remarry, your partner now becomes the step parent.

Having different differing views on discipline can be a deal breaker as far as intimacy in the marriage, and respect from the children goes. Therefore, be sure to discuss in advance your views on discipline. Dr. Steven Glenn and Dr. Jay Nelson, in their book, raising self reliant children in a self indulgent world offer some useful strategies. They believe in empowering children by emphasizing The choices that the children making, choosing their own behaviors, and in this way, they're responsible for creating the rewards and consequences of their own behaviors. Whatever methods you choose, taking a parenting class together may be a proactive first step towards implementing the United strategy. If you don't present a united front, this can prove divisive, and set the children up to play, divide and conquer.

Finally, angry feelings can arise at times. Seeing you out of control can traumatize your kids as well as model for them how to deal with their own anger. So when you're angry, take a deep breath. Take a walk, and cool down before you say something you may regret. A second marriage can have many benefits. It can allay your child's fears that you're lonely provide an Additional positive adult relationship for your child and serve as a positive role model for the institution of marriage.

Let's talk about how knowing your child's temperament can divorce proof your child. No matter how many children you have, you've probably noticed that they're each different and have had their own unique personalities since the day you brought them home from the hospital. This is no accident. We're all unique in our own ways, as a result of our unique set of genes, temperaments, talents, and gifts for your children, knowing their gifts and understanding their personality boosts their self esteem. There's a powerful protective element in knowing and appreciating who you are. It's when you don't know who you are.

You can fall prey to the predators, scammers, bullies, and even sink into depression. So giving your children the gift of self awareness raises their self esteem and makes them stronger and their resolve. So how do you pull this off? Maybe you don't even know yourself that well, at this point. It's never too late to learn. You can apply these principles to yourself to that way, it's a win win.

First, let's talk about temperament. Is your child an introvert or an extrovert? And how would you know? There's a test called the Myers Briggs Type Indicator that explores that question. However, there are some general tendencies that indicate where your child might fall temperament is largely a question of energy usage, or how you feel your energy tank, kind of like how you might re energize yourself. After a hard day at work, let's take you as an example.

If you come home from work and want to go out and socialize, then we could say that being around other people energizes you. If you come home from work and want to relax and have some downtime, or want to be alone for a while, then taking downtime re energizes you. It boils down to this extroverts re energized by being around people and introvert, re energized by being alone or having downtime. But once introverts have their energy back, they're usually ready to socialize, or do activities that require engagement. So let's apply this to your child. Does your child love being around people and never seems to tire of playing or be or being around others?

Does this child get frustrated when he or she has too much alone time? Then that child is probably an extrovert. On the other hand, if your child prefers one or two friends, and lifetime alone to engage in solitary activities, then you may be looking at an introvert. And this doesn't mean that your child isn't social. It just means that your child needs downtime to recharge. Another difference between extroverts and introverts is in the realm of communication.

An introvert thinks things over before verbalizing them. It may appear that these children are doing nothing. While in truth, they're actively engaged in their own inner dialogue which they may or may not share. an extroverted child on the other hand, rarely has an unspoken thought. You never have to wonder what that child is thinking because they'll tell you You may even worry that they talk too much and need to censor themselves. extrovert or introvert Neither is better, just different.

The important thing to remember is that their temperament affects their happiness and similarly, their self esteem. For example, an introverted child may hate parties. While an extroverted child can't wait for the party to start. an extroverted child may display lots of emotions, while an introverted child is more likely to hide his emotions. introverts can process emotions by writing, drawing, listening to music or talking one on one. Whereas an extrovert really needs to talk about how she feels.

Both types can benefit from a feelings chart that you put on the refrigerator, where they can identify their current feelings. Then they can either talk about the feelings are robbed about the feelings. Both modes of expression are therapeutic and calming in the school, environment an extroverted child will enjoy the social interaction of group work, while an introverted child learns better by working individually. Remember, this is a matter of brain wiring. It's not a learned behavior. If you're born an introvert or an extrovert, then this is pretty much your preference for life.

Neither is better. Each has its advantages. As a parent, though, it's your job to nurture those differences and help your children build upon their natural gifts. If you are an extrovert yourself, you may not understand why your introverted child hates birthday parties, but you can help your child by trying to find another child to pair up with. So the party doesn't seem so overwhelming, while at the same time encouraging your child to interact on the playground while an extroverted child might defend himself if insulted. an introverted child may go inward and appear weak.

Making that child more likely to be the target of bullies. So as a parent, you can coach your child to be more assertive. By offering statements to say in return, you can even roleplay so your child is prepared for such encounters. In middle school, your introverted child may not be running for class president, but may instead be coming up with the coolest science project or building a new video game on the computer. Some kids fall in the middle. They may be able to socialize at school but need some downtime when they get home.

If you're an introverted parent, an extroverted child can wear you out with all that energy. Remember to reenergize by giving yourself some downtime. By knowing your child's temperament and preferences, you can go a long way in priming them for a career that suits their uniqueness. For example, sales would probably not interest introverts. Unless it fell into an area that they're passionate about. However, an extrovert might like any type of sales as long as they were around people all day.

Another way to empower children is to teach them your values. Think about the values you want to teach your child. To be able to teach values, you need to know what your values are. So, what are your top values? What do you value most in life? Family, friendship, spirituality, health, athletics, honesty, compassion, money, you get the idea.

When you've defined which values are most important to you, think of ways to both demonstrate and discuss these with your children. After all, you are their most important role model. So the behavior human model are their biggest resource. Don't make them guess how you feel about things. Let them know why you think the way you do, and then ask them how they feel about things. This also builds their self esteem.

It makes them feel secure. It lets them know where you stand and therefore, where the family stands. It reminds me of the quote by Gordon Ed. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. Understanding your child's temperament and passing on your values are both potent ways to divorce proof your child