So let's talk about rules. And listen up because this is one of the major reasons that our anger gets poked and poked and poked day in and day out. We all have a series of rules by which we think the world should does ought to work. Now, the truth of the matter is that those rules are different for us than they are for somebody else. But they feel so true and so real to us because they've been taught to us our entire lives, through our parenting through our conditioning through our experiences, that we hold on to them in an unconscious manner as though they are law. Now, when somebody breaks our rules, it's one of the major reasons that we get this reactivity of anger.

Let me give an example of a rule that I used to get driven match by having broken and I'm very sorry Time Angel. My father was very time Angel. My mother was a disaster zone. Thankful without fail, every single time we went out every time we went out socially, they would have a fight. My father would intend to give away too early. And my mother would only be getting ready to go when he was ready to leave.

You can imagine how pleasant it was for our family to go and arguments or fight every single time when even what a disaster. You see, he had a rule, and that rule is it's polite. It's respectful, and it's appropriate to be on time or early. He told me that rule. I get it. I feel that way myself.

My mother had a different set of rules. She was much looser with time timing, not so important to her. More or less is good enough for her She had another rule that to say too early is bad manners, because people are still getting ready and preparing themselves for your arrival. So they had a real conflict for my entire childhood. And they fought about those rules my entire childhood. This is what happens when you have a rule and somebody breaks.

It feels as though they are personally the thinking that they are treating you with a lack of respect, that they don't care about what's important to you, that they are socially inept and rude. Because our rules are so seamlessly created in our unconscious for us, that we don't question whether they are necessary or valuable to us. And here's the thing. You could probably stop 90% of anger in your life just by having a look at your rules and dropping them Now I get a lot of resistance about this. When I say, Have you considered dropping your rules. But let's see what happened to me.

I grew up timing, of course, I would invite my friends for dinner, and they would arrive 15 to 20 minutes late. I was so peed off with them by the time they arrived. But the first half of the evening was a disaster. I had a client who is very, very rule based and have caused all sorts of problems. She went on holiday with her friends measured the booth space. That's the trunk for anybody who's not South African British, measured the boot space and instruct them about how big their luggage could be.

And because she knew they were going to break this rule, she allowed for three centimeters on either side, leeway, so that if they messed it up, it was what do you think happened? Well, people do we're not that concerned about the time they luggage. It wasn't a rule for them, it had no importance or value for them. It seemed probably even quite ridiculous to them. When they arrived and their luggage was not exactly the right time, she got peed off. She stayed peed off for the first three days of a holiday together.

First friends don't want to go on holiday with her again. It was unpleasant for everybody. Because their luggage was more than three centimeters bigger than she told them it could be. We have to start to look at our rules. Now. We have to start to look at those rules that are set in stone and an absolute deal breaker for us.

And we have to look at those rules that are not set in stone and a deal breaker for us. Because consider this, if you are making your life and the lives of the people around you unpleasant for a rule that is not a deal breaker, which is to say, if you're not going to split your relationship for it then it might be time to Think about re processing those rules and thinking about how important they really are in the scheme of things. So for instance, my rule about people coming late for dinner is not important at all in the scheme of things. How much does it really matter if they arrive 10 or 15, or 20 minutes late for dinner, it doesn't matter at all. And if I happen to know that they're going to arrive 10 or 15, or 20 minutes late for dinner, even less, so I can simply be 10 or 15 minutes late myself, and it's no big deal.

So when I started to realize that I had a rule about this, and that this rule itself was not universal. But that in fact, the rule was not unique to me. But the specific to me in that relationship. And there were lots of other people in the world that hold that rule true too, and also align themselves to get pissed off about that rule. But that actually, it was no value for me to get to get bothered by that rule being broke. Now here's something interesting.

In my business, I have the same rule. When your appointment starts at 10 I expect you to be there. Much more people arrive on time in my business and arrive on time socially, because they're paying me for my time. But there are some people who never, never never arrive on time. So let me ask you this. In my business life is the value in me feeling anger or frustration or irritation with a client when they arrive just because they late?

Be clear answer's no, I am of no use in a personal development capacity. If I'm feeling pissed off with someone. That doesn't mean that I can't enforce that rule in some way or form. And I do. Their appointment is an hour long if they arrive 15 minutes late. This concludes the first 15 minutes so they are for which they pay That's okay with them.

That's okay with me. So I can drop that rule to when I drop those rules, I no longer felt irritated. I no longer feel frustrated and I no longer got angry. I no longer had to react or felt a reaction coming. I suddenly had to start to understand is this rule of value to me? In this experience?

Yes or no? Now if I do think that a rule is of value to me and experience if it is so important to me that it is literally a deal breaker between us. I cannot be your friend, I cannot work with you. We can't carry on together. If you break this rule. Then I need to know something else that most people don't realize.

And that is that other people are not psychic. They do not hold the same rules that you hold and they cannot begin to get and that role is a deal breaker for you. So we have three possibility tier one, let go of the rule all together. It's not serving you, it is not helping you. It's just making you lose quality time to anger, frustration and irritation that can be completely avoided, or to a rule is the deal breaker, in which case, I need to be absolutely sure that I cannot have a relationship with you to break this rule. Because that's the end outcome here.

I will not have a relationship with you if it's a deal breaker. And if that's the case, three, I must let you know what that rule is. I must start to understand that this is not universal for people. They are not psychic. So if something is that important to me, I need to let them know about it. Don't go around assuming that everybody knows what your rules are.

Don't go around assuming that everybody can or will or even has the will, to fit in with your rules. is part of the way that we make ourselves angry we make ourselves suffer, because we hold on to things that have no intrinsic value to them. And we insist on the staying in our lives. I have another rule, I have a rule of thumb lettering in South Africa, lots and lots of people that if you were brought up empty lettering as I was, it's quite when somebody letters on the street. There was a time when I could get myself completely worked up. Completely spurious.

When I saw somebody letter throwing the, the Korean can or in their cigarette box or whatever it is out of a call window, completely curious. Well, let me tell you something about that. That person is long gone. They have moved on. They don't even know me. They don't care about my feelings.

They're not even aware. But I feeling angry in this moment. The only person who's suffering is me. I have to come to realize But the truth is that people that that's true, and it will always be true. And it possibly is getting more true in this country than it ever was before. I have to come to the realization and the acceptance that people that are in this country I come to the realization and acceptance but that doesn't mean I have to think it's right.

It just means I don't have to choose to get worked up about it because it's the truth. It's the truth that happens even if I don't like it. Which means that I can release some of the holding on and fury that wants to build up inside of me when I wish it wasn't the truth. This allows me to do one of two things. I can watch somebody letsa pity, or I can go and pick up that cat or that piece of paper and throw it in the bed myself, man Let me get rid of it. I can remain calm and still true to my belief system around littering.

I don't have to love this room. But I can live with the inside of myself. This is the same thing. For instance, in this country, people drive like savage shows, and people get cut off in the traffic all the time. Some people are completely calm about that. It's the truth.

People drive like that, which doesn't cut you off in the traffic. Some people can get so furious about that, but it will ruin the entire day. They breaking the rule. Don't cut me off in traffic. Well, the truth is people are gonna cut you off. It's not their rule.

They don't hold that rule. And you cannot make them understand that rule. You cannot make them comply to that rule. So your only choice to not get angry all the time to not give up your joy and well being is to accept the truth of that matter. Rules of truth. These things go hand in hand.

If we can let go of rules and accept the truth, we can close this gap between what we wish the truth was and what the truth really is. And that will help us to be at peace with what's actually going on, and to not be so reactive to everything. Here's a great example of how a rule makes us angry. You're driving along in the traffic, everything is going swimmingly, and suddenly somebody cuts you off, or off my worst driving down the other lane when everybody is better back in the traffic and they're busy driving down the emergency lane. I was at a I was coming home from a trip last year. And suddenly the highway just got back.

Back to back. It was just cars four kilometers and kilometers in front of us. And as the highway starts to get better, cars started coming from behind, down the right hand lane. means that we're coming from behind down the lanes that would normally be the oncoming traffic. And they was zooming down these lanes of hard power while I was sitting in my lane stuck behind traffic. And then they started zooming down the yellow lane, which is the emergency lane in South Africa.

And that became better. And then they started zooming down the emergency lane on the right hand side of the road. So we were essentially on a four lane road. six lanes deep in traffic. Now, I'm sure you have the same experience wherever you are in the world. The emergency lane offer emergency vehicles, ambulances, fire engines, support vehicles, police.

So when everybody blocks up these lanes, and there's an accident up ahead. It is totally crazy making for me because I have a very strong rule about that. Now my belief is that all society should have this rule naturally, right? This somebody's going to be in danger up ahead. They need those ambulances to be able to come through but Actually declared to me that that is not the same rule for everybody else. People backing up the emergency lanes, people backing up the oncoming lane facing that traffic, they don't have the law have they rule is something like, just do whatever you can to get ahead of everybody else or to get there faster or to make it a hell of a thing.

So you don't have to sit in the traffic. So their role is not the same as my role. Now, I would call that role a deal breaker. But let's consider I don't have any party enforcement. And my lack of party or central allows me to stop being angry. Or what's the point of me being angry in that situation?

Am I going to get out of my car and start directing traffic and making sure hopping from lane to lane to make sure that people don't drive in the wrong place? No. I'm just gonna sit in my car and fume and do nothing and get nowhere. So who's it hurting? Once again, it's hurting me. Now I could hold on to that rule but not be so obsessed with that rule for other people or not concern myself about the way that other people break that rule.

And I would be able to stay less concerned lis angry about the whole situation. Or I could get really irritated that people breaking the door and acting like savages and idiots and get very angry around the situation. You see, what you have to understand is that that's your choice. In the moment. It feels like you're getting angry because they're behaving badly but no, you're getting angry because of the story about them breaking the rules. And you don't have to do that.