Module five separate the people from the problem. Anger is not just personal, it can be relational as well. When managing anger that involves other people, it helps to have a problem oriented disposition. Setting personal matters aside, this way the issue becomes an objective and workable issue. In this module, we will discuss ways to separate people from the problem. Specifically, we will discuss the difference between objective and subjective language ways to identify the problem and how to use imessages.
Objective versus subjective language. One way to make sure that a discussion remains constructive is to use objective rather than subjective language. Objective language involves stating your position using reference points that are observable, factual and free from personal prejudices. Objective references do not change from person to person. This is the opposite of subjective language which is vague, biased and Emotional, you are using subjective language when you are stating an opinion, assumption, belief, judgment or rumor. The use of objective language keeps the discussion on neutral ground.
It's less threatening to a person's self esteem and therefore keeps people from being on the defensive. More importantly, objective language can be disputed and confirmed, which ensures that the discussion can go towards a solution. Here are some guidelines in the use of objective versus subjective language. Number one state behaviors instead of personality traits. subjective says you're an inconsiderate supervisor. Objective says you approve the new rule without consulting with us first.
Number two avoid vague references to frequency instead use the actual numbers. subjective says you are always late. Objective says you were late for meetings four times in the past month. Number three clarify terms that can mean differently to different people. subjective says you practice favoritism when you give promotions objective says the employee ranking system is not being followed during promotions. Number four don't presume another person's thoughts feelings and intentions.
Subjective says you hate me. Objective says you do not talk to me when we are in a room together. Number five don't presume an action you did not see or hear subjective states. She stole my wallet. Objective states the wallet was in my desk when I left. It was no longer there when I came back, and she was the only person who entered the room.
Identifying the problem. You can't separate people from the problem if you don't know what the problem is. A good way to move forward in a discussion where anger is escalating is through identifying the problem. Identifying the problem focuses all energy on the crisis at hand rather than the persons involved in a conflict. The two parties focus their energies on a common enemy that is outside of themselves. A move that puts the two opposing party's back on neutral ground.
There are many processes you can use to identify the problem. Here is one of them. Step one, get as much information as you can while the other party is upset. Step two surface the other person's position. reframe this position into a problem statement. Example, I can hear how upset you are.
Am I right in perceiving that the problem for you is that you weren't informed to the account being sold. Step three, review your own position. State your position and a problem statement as well. Example, the problem for me is that I don't have the resources to contact you. The phone lines are not working because of the storm. Step four, having heard both positions to find the problem in a mutually acceptable way.
Example, I hear that you'd like to be informed of any sales. on my part, I'd like to inform you but for as long as the phone lines are dead, I can't see how I would do it. I think the issue here is about finding an alternate way to get the information to you on time while the phones are being prepared, do you agree? If the two parties agree to the problem statement, they can now both work at the surface problem and take the focus away from their emotions. Using I messages, and I message is a message that is focused on the speaker. When you use eye messages you take responsibility for your own feelings instead of accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way.
The opposite of an iMessage is a you message and I message is composed of the following. Number one a description of the problem or issue, describe the person's behavior you are reacting to in an objective non blame full and non judgmental manner. When number two, it's the effect on you or the organization describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. The effects are number three a suggestion for alternative behavior I prefer here's an example of an message when I have to wait outside the office an extra hour because you didn't inform me that you'd be late problem issue, I become agitated the effect. I prefer for you to send me a message if you will not be able to make it. Alternative behavior.
The most important feature of imessages is that they are neutral. There is no effort to threaten, argue or blame in these statements. You avoid making the other person defensive as the essence of an iMessage is I have a problem instead of you have a problem. The speaker simply makes statements and takes full responsibility for his or her feelings.