Get dirty and propaganda with the profits. You can't get booked in an actual comedy show. You just got a you want to convince yourself as you believe in yourself, you just have to go rent the theater. Do the show that way. total package How's it going, everybody? Oh man, you guys are excited to see me.

I emailed all of you individually. I was like, please God, come on. To the show. The cops are playing I need an audience already paid for the camera people. I need you here so bad. Oh, that's so accurate.

Every one of us like this guy owes me so bad I could be watching this game right? It's absolutely meant to be happening. I know you're stone face because it's totally true. I don't even know you. You're my coworker son. Like we get a weird email from a name I don't recognize.

It's gonna be like I need to get picked up at three in the morning. Don't tell my mom. Oh my god, you guys. It's been a year of me in Chicago. I've been Chicago year. It's awesome.

I'm so happy. Yeah. I'm super excited because before that I lived in northern Michigan, which you knew from looking at my face already. lived in northern Michigan. And why was I there? I was unemployed.

Which when you're talking about Northern Michigan is saying the same thing. twice by the way. There's not a lot of opportunity out there. It's so ridiculous. I was up there. I was not employed.

I was living in a house that was 140 years old that my parents owned it. It was a hard winter it got really cold outside and the only the hottest that ever got on the interior of the house was 55 degrees. Because back in the 1870s I only insulated homes with prayers and Cherokee here. Really great situation. Dating was really hard when I was up there I downloaded Tinder it's the only time we've ever done that. I downloaded Tinder and I set the radius to 200 miles It was like maybe four matches.

A great situation I pulled it up the first picture was just a photo of my cat. I was like I felt bad swipe the last time I swipe right it was like match. Because like oh shit this sucks because the one rule I had for this winter was don't fuck my cat couldn't even do that. He's been asking for it Okay, he's walking around no panties little lemony asshole staring me in the face. Come on the cold winter, okay? It was her or the other cat or the dog.

I think I made the right choice. That's a joke, you guys, it's just that up. didn't really happen. I promise. GLORIA my girlfriend that just made that up. Oh, man, dating in Chicago is kind of challenging, too, though.

I was single when I first moved here. And I it's, it's challenging because if you're single, by the way, I should ask a bunch of you guys. It's like challenging because here in Chicago, there's a bunch of changing gender terms. This is not something that happened in Michigan. So like, I went out on this date, and this girl told me she described herself to me as gender fluid. Have you heard?

Have you guys heard that? I had not heard that before. So I was like, what does that mean? She goes to me it means that sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes I feel like a man. And that took me right out of the date. Because I was like, I've never felt like a man.

I've never had a little right put on a suit and looked in the mirror was like, This is who I am. And so I was like, I gotta know what that feels like. And she leaned back on her chair and she wax poetic for a second and she was like, feels like, I'm gonna crush the world until it bleeds. Yeah, I was like, that is not what a man feels like. Okay, that is what a serial killer. This is what Jeffrey Dahmer feels like.

And then she like started talking about she's like, No, I'm dismantling the male to find gender binary and crushing the patriarchy and like other things, she read on jazz Bell calm. And I was like, Okay, look, lady, like, I might agree with you, but that's a little preachy of you to say in an Applebee's. So she got like, really indignant. The waiter brought the bill over and set it down. And I was like, by the way, are you feeling like a man right now? I would really love did not have to pay this totally ridiculous man.

Northern Michigan. Yeah, I fell into a lot of Wikipedia holes when I lived up there. You know what I'm talking about? where you're like, Oh, I might have a sore throat and then you go to Wikipedia and three hours later, you're like a Mexican army was in France in the 1860s. Like, what? How did that happen?

I learned a lot of stuff about Abraham Lincoln that I want to tell you about. Yeah, first of all, we all know Abraham Lincoln, right, a top 40 hits. best selling book, TV show and movie in the spring of 1863. First person to do that. 6 million followers on Twitter. We all know Abraham Lincoln.

But get out your phones and prepare to Google this because what I'm about to tell you totally happened. Okay, so back in his teens, Abraham Lincoln went to a neighboring town in rural Illinois, which was like maybe hundreds of miles away. There's only like 30 people in Illinois. He caused a ruckus according to the local newspaper by getting out Everybody in the town together the town square, he knocked on his door everybody gathered together. You got every round and he was like, I am Abraham Lincoln. And I am the greatest wrestler in all the Illinois territory and I challenged you are courageous wrestler.

Somebody stepped out in the crowd said I take that challenge like in those two gentlemen locked horns for the better part of six and a half minutes according to the local periodical until Lincoln grab that guy pinned to the ground, somebody did a three count. He stood up and he said, Parker, this direct quote from the local newspaper. It's fucking Douglas thought he would beat this guy. He was dealing with a big bucket, the lick. He pointed at a woman in the crowd, Mary Todd Lincoln, then just Mary Todd said, Okay, can you buy wine? Somebody said that's the town crazy.

He said good. Cuz I don't want to do that do anything to please her looted or like 80% of that story is true by the way. Abraham Lincoln is a National Wrestling Hall of Fame. I totally not making that up. That's totally happened. Man, Northern Michigan.

I don't know a lot of places I kind of lived a lot of places. I grew up in Metro Detroit which was pretty cool. Yeah, moved out to Colorado. That was a big change moving from Detroit to Colorado. I didn't couldn't buy crack as easily. But I didn't get stabbed as much which was really a bonus.

Here's what's weird. Moving from Detroit to Colorado. No black people in Colorado. Yeah, really weird. Really weird because as far as I know, there's still crime. So which goes to show that stereotype is wrong.

Shame on you for not laughing at that joke. Okay. Colorado, you guys It's weird. I have a new roommate in Chicago, which is great. He's a gay French lawyer. That's just what he is.

He's a gay French lawyer. And I feel like I might be committing a hate crime just by describing him accurately to people. Like I have to release a trigger warning before I say what he is. He's from France. He has a boyfriend and he practices law. He's a gay French lawyer.

And I now have the cleanest apartment in Chicago. It's so clean. I came home the other day and he was like, Brandon, can you please clean up what you left in the kitchen? And I was like a walk in the kitchen. There's one cup in this thing. Like Maxine, you mean the company's like, Yes, I also created a big fan of what he's doing in the world, though.

He's a member of a homosexual evangelical atheist group. Yeah, homosexual, Evan jellicle. Atheists group called gay the prayer away. They're really out there on doing the Lord's work and they love about them. It's so interesting. I guess that's fascinating.

You know, you're gay, you can't, this is who you are, you know, you can't change that about yourself. I think it's fascinating because we live in a time which everybody that we're used to so much control, you know, in our lives. And I think it's interesting. There's things about yourself, you can't change, like, what is what people call you, for example. So like, my name is Brandon lemon, but for three months in middle school, that's not what anybody called me. Because I used to be shy and I got on the bus and this big kid came up to me and he was like, Hey, what's your name?

And I mumbled I said, when when landline so for three months, this guy called me begging me giggles which is mean, because it's hilarious. Every time we saw him, he's like, what's up, Maggie? How you doing Mr. giggles and I couldn't take any more. I was like, You know what, man? I'm done with this. I'm done with you telling me this?

Okay, I stood up for myself. I beat him up. Beat him so bad. I put him in a wheelchair. From that day forward, they didn't call me thanking me giggles anymore. They called me the guy who beat up Drake because I went to Degrassi fucking love that joke.

I loved that job so much. I noticed there was a generational difference in the understanding of that job. You guys loved it. You guys were like Who the fuck is he talking to grassy What? Oh my gosh, I think it's so weird. There's something about yourself.

You can't change what people call you like my name is Brandon lemon, but that doesn't even hold a candle to what my parents wanted to name me. Wraith Cortez. That is so super true by the way raised Cortez, Ra EFC or Tz Wraith Cortez which makes zero sense because my family is terminally Irish. Like the dames on my dad's side of the family would have been Timothy Patrick Michael Daniel Kaylee, another Timothy and Rafe Cortez. But here's what boggles my mind. Most dentists are named Dennis you guys I understand that like people grow into their names.

So like who would I have been if I had been raised Cortez? I've done a lot of thought I think I would be the governor of a small Caribbean island. I would be the cocaine king of the Caribbean, Rafe Cortez. That or I would be the lawyer that defends a rapist. It's like what are the two? Yeah, I know it's a good thing I think in a minute.

Like if you've got a lacrosse team, Rafe Cortez is your man. In any case, though, I think we can agree I would have massacred the Aztecs pretty sure. That joke, by the way, brought to you by history. Spoiler alert. The bad guy is white. History.

You can't change history. That's the other thing you can't change. It's so interesting, because, you know, I can't change my history. You can't change your history. Like we're just whatever we did. That's what we did.

No, you can't change it. I can't. I can't change So for example, I was a goth in high school. Yeah, I can't like go into I can't go back in time like Back to the Future that shit out of a photo. Again. It's that's for real.

That's for forever. I can't get rid of that. I once wore a spiked choker to my second our French to class because I thought I was Boku badass. Turns out I was Boku a douchebag. I once wore an outfit that was a black leather trench coat and a brown Fedora words and my parents watched me walk out the door in it and they said nothing to me. I don't even think they really love me.

Okay. So you really want to love Rafe Cortez. people grow into their names man. I think that's interesting. That's why I'm naming my first kid billion dollar daddy. Second kid rocket ship pussy killer first got a fucking space.

Third kid Jeff Every experiment needs to control. He's gonna end up in middle management. I'll be like that turned out, right. Oh, man. So interesting. I think it's interesting that I got a French roommate because I used to live in France.

Has anybody here been to Paris by the way? Paris is pretty cool. It's beautiful. It's amazing. It's also disgusting. It's kind of like, it's kind of like the world's most beautiful outdoor urinal.

So when I went over there, and somebody was like, like, my French friends were super excited to see me they were like, bread dad, we're going to drink some beers. We're going to beaches. It's going to be amazing, man. Like my German friends. were super excited to see me. They're like Brendan.

It's going to be a great time. Like, calm down. Somebody when I was over there, they're like, Brandon, you gotta go see German stand up comedy. What? Here's Germans with a sense of peace. Like, let's, let's start there.

The second thing that totally blew my mind is like I couldn't even imagine what a German person telling the simplest joke would even look like. Like, like, Why did the chicken cross the road? They'd be like soda is a fall. He's attempting to traverse the autobahn. sense is the second man. And he says to the first man, but for what reason?

Fourth reason is this game bird attempting to cross the road. Then the first man responds very easy, my friend the other side is Paul. So we're taking this or like, or like a knock knock joke. The guy be like, yeah, there's a man he's in a room opens as a wrapping on the door. He says but who goes as the answer comes the SS because the SS who have questions it's not even clever. That Got even a clever joke but there's here's the thing that's really amazing.

There's only there are like classic English bits the classic comedy bits I could only take place in English like who's on first because of two Germans had that conversation they would have gotten to the bottom of it with like the speed and efficiency of two mechanical engineers like Hans I see you are coaching baseball team who is a man on first base Yes. Oh yes, it's an immense amount of free space. I don't know No, we are having a miscommunication my friend. Now you see you are misconstruing the name of the man for the common query of the name of the person was a humorous situations this might have been better go back to drawing engine parts. It's good thing that they just make Because if they tried to do anything with humor, I would not work. I was I went to a few places this year I went to Omaha, Nebraska, which is pretty cool.

Has anybody been to Omaha by the way? Yeah, that's one Whoo. That's how entertaining it's a cool place. But I kind of felt like when I was there, the tagline for advertising for Omaha should have just been like Omaha. It exists. It was just kind of I don't know, it was okay.

But I was at the airport. I gotta tell you guys about this was at the airport in Omaha. And as far back in something happened. That totally is ridiculous. Okay, I was sitting I was waiting for the plane to fly back to sitting in the airport. apropos and nothing.

Suddenly over the PA system. It goes rip, rip rip. And I like freaked out. I jumped up and I'm like, what's going on? What's going on? Looking around?

We're all freaking out. Do you know what's happening? Do I know Do you know nobody knows what's happening, what's happening and then Just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. You could hear a pin drop, and then it goes. Can we get a janitor to KC 37? Can we get a janitor KC 37 we've had a child that's had an accident.

And I was like fucking really airport. That is the goddamn noise that you chose to let me know you needed a janitor. Could you have chosen something I don't know doesn't make me think that airborne anthrax is just wafting through the terminal. here's the best part. I was disappointed. I was like, oh, we're all alive now.

This is a story that almost happened. But somebody did bring a weapon of mass destruction to the airport that day. Did you catch it? That's right, a baby. Don't believe me? Let's do some quick mental math over the last hundred years which has ruined more lives, newborns or nuclear bombs.

All I'm saying is that there's not a building in every city you get rid of a nuclear bomb. You know, like a portion jokes that kill every time. Do not applaud that. Man, but seriously, I don't does anybody here have kids by the way? Yeah, good. I mean by kids I should say not like wait not grown children.

I mean, like baby children. Yeah. Why would you bring them on an airplane? They're this big. ship them. In case you don't believe in case you think I'm being too harsh.

They called on these two kids who are right next to me okay at the next gate, and they were raising all kinds of hell like two little Ted bundys. Okay. Like one of them ran off to an old man that was sitting across from me. Okay, my hand god This happened by the way, ran up to grab the candy bar out of his hand. Bit it, put it back. Maintain eye contact the whole time.

Some Stone Cold shit. And that was the little girl. The little Boy, her brother, I'm trying to take a nap. He runs up to me, like try to tie my shoelaces together while I'm sleeping. Like Dennis the Menace, right? Yeah.

And he gets up. I'm like, get out of here. He runs away. He stops like eight paces out, turns around and goes right back at me. I'm like, Where are their parents over? They're incapacitated with joy.

He's not fucking up their lives for five minutes. I like I like look over at the mom and emotion to the kid. And she like looks at me and she shrugs she shrugs I'm like, Okay, this is this isn't the weather. This isn't a Wi Fi connection that isn't working. Right? This isn't something that you can literally do nothing about.

This is your kid. Hit him. It'll look, yeah, right. It's amazing because white audiences hate this joke. Black audiences love this joke. Want to be clear with you guys?

I am not advocating beating children. Okay, I'm advocating Beating bad shots if you're sitting there going you shouldn't have children you've forgotten a timeless truth. Okay, assholes come in all shapes and sizes sometimes little psycho kids and if you don't hit them now they'll grow up and run for republican office. Uh, you know I I came out to my parents this year that was kind of bad came out to them just want to go let you guys know. I thought they had to know the truth is sat him down was like mom and dad. I'm straight.

And I looked up and just saw appointments in my dad's eyes. My mom was said that she was like Brendan, we look forward to a really well decorated and controversial wedding and so many Asian grandchildren Yeah, So they did with a lot of straight parents do they owned me know that their son was allows he puts he owned. I'm in a relationship that's really great. That's really exciting. I'm really happy about that. That's pretty cool.

You could apply it Okay, that apply feels plus feels condescending. Like, okay, it's not like I was autistic right I got this Commodore Christian Oh shit. Oh man. No, I'm really happy. It's it's worthy of applause because I'm really happy. And she's wonderful.

We do have kind of a problem though in our relationship, which is that she likes to she likes to talk more than I like to talk. That's the problem. And I know that's a high quality problem. But it's still a problem because like all combo like Believe me, let me see this 30 year old or 13 year old Brendan is thrilled about this. Okay, but 30 year old Brandon is like I just got home from work. Like, I'll get home and she's like, Can I suck your dick?

And I'm like, I haven't even seen Stranger Things yet. Okay, I gotta catch up on my shows. It's so ridiculous. Like she I'm just really terrified because like, it's already like this. And she's 26 years old, her sexual sexual peaks in four years. I'm 30.

Mine was 14 years ago. Like there was a storm of brewing, ladies and gentlemen. Like I'm so worried because we live two blocks from a high school. Yeah. Yeah. They're all across team is not going to states anymore.

They're done. What happened? We used to be contenders. Yeah, Gloria turned 30. That's what happened. so ridiculous.

She's kind of kinky against them into that. Yeah, she was like, I want you to buy me a color. So we went to the store to go do that. Yeah, I know maybe some of you are into that is new to me. So we went to the store and we were checking out all these collars and she's getting really turned down. She's like Brandon, I can't wait to get you on can't wait to get the undo your zipper.

Get that dick out. I was very uncomfortable. It's very uncomfortable. The cashier saw that she was like, Hey, don't worry about it and happens all the time here at PetSmart I'm just scared, man. I'm scared like, we'll finish. We'll finish like are all finished I should say.

Like, was that good for you, babe? And she's like, is that it? Are you serious? You want me to go to the neighbor's house and knock on the door and that's a real threat because we have an open relationship. Which she is way better than fitting for more than I am. By the way.

I thought I was coming out on top of that deal. Turns out her on bottom a bunch of times. Oh, man, it's so bad. Like I'm doing this. I do comedy. A lot She's out of music festivals.

You know what I mean? I'll get a text message. She's like, I don't even know who gave me drugs. I'm like, take a photo will google image it later we'll know who the father is. Thanks, technology. Oh my gosh.

Like it's just rough like she. She wanted to I know I'm saying it's wrong. If you're not going to totally believe it at all, from the story about to tell you. She was like, you want to have a threesome? I was like, Yeah, that sounds awesome. I was very excited about that one man wouldn't be right.

We go out to the bar, she finds a girl, this moonface girl she was attracted to right. Within four minutes. She had that girl hooked, okay, which was fast enough to make me realize that in this relationship or in the option she could do that anytime she wanted. Like for a second though, that was very sweet thought. I was like, Oh my god, she's with me because she chooses to be like she has other options. She could do this anytime she wanted.

It was in the middle of that thought that I realized I lost track of her. For that girl had disappeared like took a look around for 20 minutes where were they at the bar getting a bunch of guys to buy him shots like superheroes so I found her she grabbed me she goes want to take this slot home in that moment I realized I was out of my depth. Yeah, I had not prepared for game day that's something I was ready to do. So we leave get back to her apartment her this girl whose name I still don't remember. She goes make out with her so grab her and make out with her a girlfriend gradually we make out the two of them start making out and they keep making out. Then they move to the end of my bed and never came back.

That's the story of the threesome. I didn't have a threesome my girlfriend just fuck the girl kiss once that's that's a story. It was really weird because I am like not at all in the lesbian porn but I'm like really into like cuckold porn. So I had the weirdest loaner like ever. Yeah, I can't so hard I forgot I was crying. I'm really worried about our world can see why really worried about a world man?

Because I think not it's not necessarily the election. Just a couple of things, but the one that's really kind of bothered me is artists and donuts. You know, I'm talking about artists and donuts. Yeah, there's like these really nice donut places that opened up. And I was like, really? This is what we're doing with our money.

Not digging wells in Africa. We're not helping the homeless. We're buying $6 donuts. I walked into this place and the interior was all masculine tone woods. Like Towards shooting room in England. Like I want, like I need audience to enjoy a doughnut.

Like I walked in and there was a display case of one example of every donut they had, like a jeweler. That was like, how much are these donuts? And the lady behind the counter was like $6. And I was like, Are you serious? I can't get six donuts at Dunkin Donuts for that much. And she goes, these are six times better.

I was like, there is no way these are 600% better than any donut. I could get a Dunkin Donuts and she goes try. She threw down the gauntlet. And I said I'll have your best donut she goes they're all the best. Getting realized I was suddenly in a doughnut Western. So I'll go I'll take the one people order most and she goes maple bacon.

She goes back into the back of the place comes out with a doughnut on a pillow. She's held in space before me. She goes Aren't you gonna Instagram it? Like no I'm not gonna Instagram it doesn't you know what I'm tired of this I'm not doing this and I left that store I walked out because here's the thing if you're spending $6 on a doughnut, you're literally saying that doughnut is worth more than sweatshop workers salary. Yeah, you're part of the problem audience. You all grown it that that is a groan of tacit complicity.

That's just the truth. I couldn't stand it. I was like, this is how we're gonna spend our money. So I did I firebomb that place on Instagram that it just got I'm just saying I'm worried about the way the place the world's going to because something happened over the summer. That's like really got me worried really bothered me. And this is what it was.

I was at pride. You know, the pride rally in Chicago. I was here. It was like super awesome. I was walking down the street, but I heard something that totally screwed me up. It's got me for months.

It's got me screwed up. I'm walking through pride in at the edge of my earshot. I heard somebody say there are too many Edwards, Lakeview That's right. But here's the thing. That's exactly what they said. Say what I'm saying.

They did not use the word the term N word refers to they use the term N word. There are too many n words in Lakeview. And I was like, I did not realize until that moment that you could be PC and racist at the same time. I didn't know there was a possibility. And here's the thing like what audience are you trying to please? Okay?

Because progressives are like, Dude, are you fucking racist? And racists are like, Dude, are you even a fucking racist? Like, I totally don't understand it. Also, it's a pride rally. Okay, not a white pride rally. I think maybe you got the wrong date.

This stuff just kind of bothers me because like, I think I've been feeling this way my whole life like I've been feeling that the world is always kind of, so it's not going in a good place. I think I gave up on it when I was 17 years old, because I remember exactly the moment that it happened. I was in my second all French to class. Wearing this point choker, brown Fedora black jacket. You remember me I just fought drank weeks before I was sitting there we had a project. It was like a term project.

You know what I mean? Like you had to finish it in order to complete the entire class. And there was a girl who didn't do it. Her name was Kayla powers. That's her real name. So I hope she watching this.

It's gonna be a lawsuit. Kayla power she didn't do the project. I did the project. I turned it in. She didn't do it. And I remember thinking, if I didn't do it, I would have totally, totally failed the class.

But at the end of class, the teacher asked her over to his desk and I didn't hear their conversation, but I saw their body language. And in that moment, I knew she was gonna get away with this. She would get away with it and nothing like under the table happened. Like it wasn't like she was gonna blow him in his office after this or anything like that. It was like she was just cute enough and serious enough. But she was gonna get away with it, right?

Like in that moment, I knew that would always happen to her. And we had two different worlds. There was my world, there's your world and then there's her world where she can always get away with that. And then as you're sitting there thinking, like Brendan, that can't be possible, like, poetic justice has to exist somewhere in the universe, right? Like she's gonna have to have a come to Jesus moment, years later when she's in college and like, getting her second abortion and she's like on drugs and calling her dad at 2am. And she's like, Daddy, come and pick me up.

And he's like, No, you got enough chances are like something like this. No, nothing like that happened. The next time I saw I ran into her 10 years later in Paris, France, where she was get this engaged to a Dutch male model. Yeah, whose family owned a chain of successful hotels in Europe. here's the best part. He was the nicest guy I've ever met.

He was so nice. He was on that brand that you could stay at hotels anytime. Like Shut the fuck up. deter your fucking asshole. There are child soldiers dinner. Here's the thing, man.

There's no point the universe Trump's gonna be president we're all gonna go down together take care Have a good night. He don't mind going out to eat the rest