Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to meet someone but didn’t know what to say or how to break the ice? That is a very common experience for most people. Few of us are taught while growing up how to speak to new people. On the contrary, we are cautioned not to talk to strangers. It is easy to forget that every friend or acquaintance of ours was a stranger once.

The key to overcoming this deficiency is to learn to focus on the other person rather than on ourselves and our fear or shyness. Getting our attention off of ourselves can help us develop a greater degree of self-confidence as well as help us learn how to listen more carefully to what others have to say. Focusing on the other person is one of the steadfast principles of friendship. Never talk about yourself; wait for the other person to ask. Instead, get that other person to tell you about himself or herself. Ask questions and then listen to the answers. Most people respond very favorably when they know someone else is genuinely interested in them.

Years ago, Dale Carnegie wrote a powerful and bestselling book titled How to Win Friends and Influence People. His first law was that we should never talk about ourselves but get others to talk about themselves. There is a very simple reason for this: by nature every human being is interested first and foremost in himself or herself. Think about it. Under normal circumstances, wouldn’t you rather talk about yourself, your family, your interests, and your accomplishments than listen to someone else talk about theirs? We have become so self-centered, so we have to deliberately plan to go against our natural inclination. That is why making a friend and being a friend is so challenging: we have to work at it.

You should never talk about yourselves, but rather, get others to talk about themselves.

Use this method to build relationships. Over and over, wherever you go, never begin by talking about yourself. When people in need came to you, ask, “What do they want you to do for them.” Give people your full attention, ask them questions, listened to their reply, and respond accordingly. Hurting and needy people will flock to you in their numbers because they know that you are someone who cares about them and is interested in them personally. Who would not respond that way? True selflessness is rare in the world, but it should be commonplace among the people.