Family photograph albums remind us of good times. However, it’s the moments among the pages that often are the most memorable—unfortunately for the wrong reasons. A client, Cindy, brought in photos from her childhood that her mother had given her. Cindy was confused as to why some of the pictures bothered her so much. As I looked at them, it was clear from her expressions and body language that something was off with her and her brother. Upon further discussion, Cindy revealed that her brother had molested her from the ages of eight through fourteen. As we begin to identify the family secrets holding us back, and patterns we’ve naturally followed, I hope this chapter becomes one of the most eye-opening for you, as it was for Cindy.

As suggested, our genetic code has been handed down from many generations, but more recently from our grandparents. Additionally, their upbringing (or conditioning), traumas, and abuse (circumstances) affected how they raised your parents, who also come hard-wired in certain ways unique to your family. Your parents grew up into an entirely different era from their folks’ formative years, so they had to adapt to other stresses. Then, we were raised in a completely different era, characterized by such things as new technologies and ease of travel. Our kids tend to be raised on mobile devices rather than on the farms or learning a trade like our great-grandparents.

There are a host of reasons why someone would become an abuser, even if they don’t realize it or want to acknowledge it. In this chapter, I’ll explain a variety of reasons to help understand the causes and potential solutions.

 13 Reasons Why People Abuse

Hands down, the number one question I get asked in therapy is “Why would they do this?” Mostly, this stems from a person who has been abused and is trying desperately to understand why their attacker is abusive. There are many forms of abuse, as we will see in coming chapters, but typically they fall into these basic categories: verbal, mental, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual. Even if a person realizes the full scope of their abuse, it is difficult to comprehend why someone would do that to them.

Please note that I’m not intending to explain, justify, or rationalizing abuse. Nor am I trying to elicit empathy or sympathy for the abuser. Abuse is wrong all the time, under all circumstances, regardless of the severity. Rather, the intent is to shed light on a question that plagues the abused, to gain an understanding that all people do not have the same perspective of right and wrong, and to move the healing process further for those who have been damaged.

Here are thirteen reasons why a person becomes abusive:

1. They have abused: Some abusers act out their dysfunctional behavior on others because it was done to them. In a subconscious effort to resolve their own abuse, they do the same to another person. This type of abusive behavior is identical, meaning it almost exactly matches their childhood experience. Another example throws this past in the opposite direction. For instance, a boy who is sexually abused by a man might grow up to sexually abuse girls as evidence that he is not a homosexual. The reverse can be true as well.
2. They have a disorder: A small fraction of the population has an antisocial personality disorder (sociopathic or psychopathic) and is sadistic. People with these disorders gain pleasure from seeing others in pain and even more pleasure when they are the ones inflicting the agony. For them, abuse is a means to an end. They abuse others to gain personal pleasure, which follows the Duluth Model for explaining abuse as a method to assert power and/or control.
3. They are addicted to alcohol and/or drugs: Whether under the influence or not, the addicted person is not completely in control of his or her own thoughts, words, and behaviors. When under the influence, they can justify just about anything, including abusive behaviors. When sober, they are irritable, because their brain and body are waiting for the next fix. People associated with addicts often enable the addictions, becoming doormats or excuses for the addict’s choices, which are lies.
4. They have seen or heard something hostile: With the advances in technology comes additional exposure at a young age to glorified abuse. Some movies, songs, TV shows, and video games minimize abuse by making fun of it or making it seem normal. They may even give the abuser new ideas.
5. They have anger issues: Uncontrolled and unmanaged rage frequently produces abusive behavior. The source of this anger varies, but it is usually tied to a traumatic event or pattern. Unresolved trauma sparks anger when triggered by a person, circumstance, or place. Because this anger comes out of nowhere, it’s that much harder to control and manifests abusively. This type of abuser is easier to spot, as the abuse is almost always preceded by an anger outburst. Many people stay with this type of abuser believing that if they help to minimize the rage, everything will be different.
6. They grew up with an addict: An addict blames others for the reason they engage in their destructive behavior, while their victims are often forced to remain silent and acceptant of their behavior. The end result is a lot of pent-up anger and abusive behavior. As an adult, the victim subconsciously seeks out others to blame for their actions.
7. They have control issues: Some people like to be in charge, which is also a characteristic of the Duluth Model. In an effort to gain or remain in control of others, they utilize inefficient means of dominance, such as bullying or intimidation. While forced control can be executed quickly, it does not last. True leadership is void of abusive techniques.
8. They don’t understand boundaries: Abusive people tend to lack the understanding of where they end and another person begins. They see their spouse/child/friend as an extension of themselves and therefore believe that another person is not entitled to have any boundaries. A lack of healthy boundaries opens the door for the power-hungry abuser.
9. They are afraid: People who do and say things out of fear tend to use their emotions as justification for why another person needs to do what is demanded. It is as if the fear is so important or powerful that nothing else matters except what is needed to subdue it. So, they abuse because of their fear, and because the abuse is their dysfunctional way of generating the same fear in others. Think: Misery loves company.
10. They lack empathy: It is far easier to abuse others when there is no empathy for how the victim might feel. Some types of head trauma, personality disorders, and environmental traumas can cause a person to lack the ability to express empathy. Without empathy, abuse is just a means to an end.
11. They have a personality disorder: Just because a person has a personality disorder, that does not mean that they will be abusive. However, after working with many people with personality disorders, I’ve seen how the disorder feeds into an inaccurate perception of reality which increases the risk of abusive behavior. If a person is unable to see their behavior as abusive (a common trait for narcissists, psychopaths, or sociopaths), then they will keep doing it.
12. They are exhausted: When a person reaches the end of their rope, it is not uncommon for them to lash out at whoever is conveniently close. Think of it as a mental breakdown where all the things stuffed inside come pouring out, usually in a destructive, rather than a constructive, manner.
13. They are defensive: Defense mechanisms such as denial, projection, regression, and suppression are utilized when a person is backed into a corner. Instead of taking space, they come out swinging and retaliate in an abusive manner, frequently in a passive-aggressive manner.

Knowing why someone abuses help to round out the whole story. It doesn’t excuse the abuse, but putting it in context can lead to understanding and, eventually, forgiveness.